Censorship
I know most of you that read this fairly often are used to an update from me once a day, but lately I just haven’t had the motivation. It’s not that I don’t have plenty of things to say [trust me], it’s that I’m constantly becoming aware of just how much stock people put in these words.
There was a time when no one here knew about the blog, and that isn’t the case anymore. For a lot of reasons, this is a good thing. For even more reasons, this is a bad thing. Don’t get me wrong: I love that people want to check in on me, and I’m flattered when people compliment the site. Shit, I’m flattered when people hate it, that’s not the issue. The problem is that people’s expectations and or judements mean hardly anything to me, but I’m forced to consider them anyway.
A friend here told me months ago to ignore the stress of writing for an immediate “audience”, and to just write like I always have. This person made it clear to me that I shouldn’t be altering what I want to say for anyone, and I totally agree. I’m having problems following through with this, no matter how much I want to. There is always something to consider when writing something up, and frankly I’m sick of it.
I guess I miss the privacy [I know, “privacy” on the internet, haha. I mean privacy as in only strangers read it and I didn’t have to answer questions about things I wrote to acquaintances and strangers] I used to have. The site began as a way to keep in touch with family while I was in Germany, and morphed into a place to test chapters for a book, and keep sane while in a really bizarre situation. Now it’s barely an indication of me at all - it is so watered down and boring I feel like it’s totally pointless.
My dearest friend in the States, Caz, gave me solid advice: Fuck ‘em. I should, and she’s totally right. The problem is that I simply don’t have time to deal with the ramifications of being totally unfiltered. My mom doesn’t want to read about an argument we had on this weblog. I don’t have time for any more unnecessary dirty looks and judgements regarding how I choose to parent my son - I get enough of those already for less important reasons. I don’t feel comfortable making Husband Bad posts anymore because my mother in law reads the site, and I don’t like to talk about things Dash does with his friends because I’m afraid of someone reading and either being upset they are mentioned or mad that they weren’t.
I can’t win. Yes, I could make entries every day that go something like this:
Everything is great and I love everyone and nothing went wrong and there isn’ t anything to be irritated at and woo hoo super happy face!
but that’s not me, and I refuse to become that person.
I don’t know what will end up happening with this site. Maybe some of the other moms who read this can sympathize [I know a TON of you have been in similar, if not identical situations and might have some good advice] and at the very least, relate to reading someone write about not wanting to write. One good thing to come out of all of this is the completion of some very exciting chapter in the book, so I try to keep positive that way. Most of the time, however, I tend to get pissed off at people when I think about this place. If you think I’m talking about you, just calm the fuck down and consider the fact that you’re not as goddamned important as you think you are.
J., R., A.: Thank you for keeping me sane during all of this!
3 Comments