we’re trying to get pregnant, or excuse us while we go have scheduled intercourse

Mike and I have been trying to get pregnant again for about six months. Each month, I’ll get really achey and irritated and feel like there couldn’t possibly be enough sleep for me even if I fell into a timeless vacuum, and I’ll look at my husband and say, “I think I might be pregnant.”

I’m pretty sure saying “I might be pregnant” is God’s cue to release the wave, because as soon as I start convincing myself This Will Be It, I start bleeding. I’m always disappointed, and talk to my friend about “trying harder” next month. The advice I always get is “Stop worrying about it and it will happen.”

Yeah, stop thinking about it. Have sex while ovulating, but ‘don’t put too much thought into it.’ I am not a superhero, folks. If I have to schedule sex with my husband, you can bet your ass I’m going to be ‘giving it some thought’ hours in advance, because there really isn’t such a thing as spontaneous scheduled sex. Especially not in this house, where a three year old boy determines what happens and when.

We have vacation time coming up in August, and plan to travel to the States to see family and friends. When I looked at the calendar and realized I would be ovulating for part of the trip, I shouted to Mike, “Ok, where should we be when we try to get pregnant in August?”

“I’m always down with a bed, but if you want to get kinky I’m sure we can … ”
“No dumbass, like where do you want to be staying? My family or yours?”
“There’s no third option?”
“Um, we can try it when we’re visiting Caz in NYC but I doubt she’d appreciate lovemakin’ juices all over her new bedspread.”
“Yeah. Well, we could get a hotel.”
“And a babysitter?”
“Sure.”
“We should do that like once a month, just get a hotel room and a babysitter and go do it for a day or two.”

Sounds great, right? All it does is prove how retarded we are as humans. We have a child that makes it next to impossible to be alone, so what do we do? TRY TO HAVE ANOTHER ONE, and bitch about how the first one is ruining our chances of doubling our irritation.

Number 37 on why I don’t have kids.

I know that feeling - all I can currently do is offer sympathy and well wishes from someone who will undoubtedly be there in the next few years.

oh boy. this one really cracked me up. we’re getting ready to think about contemplating “trying” for the first time. because, um, just being “spontaneous” isn’t cutting it.

it’s true, how funny you are frustrated by no time with a child and wanting another…but you can’t really think about it that way, can you? it’s such a cool thing, once they get old enough to cart their own asses around i bet.

I have a solution…The Boy comes to stay with Gramma Robin in VT, and I get you a nice suite at the Grand Summit Hotel for a few days…Sound good?

Gramma Robin

heh. “lovemakin’ juices.” snort.

toddlers and preschoolers are nature’s birth control. my kids are school age, and even now they barge in at odd times. especially frightening is when they just stand outside the door and attempt to dismantle the lock mechanism. we’ve started putting a twenty pound dumbbell in front of the door in case they finally learn how to pick locks. this all accompanied by shouts of, “what are you guys doing in there? I need to talk to you!”

Maybe you should just TRY HARDER.