you : bread :: o’keefe : vaginas?
I could go on for days about the ways in which Germany is different from the U.S., but be honest: you don’t want to hear me go on about that shit. If you don’t live here [most of you don’t, actually, only like four of you do] it’s probably just annoying. I’ll prove it:
Oh MAH God you guys! Today I went to the mall and the Europeans have so many different kinds of meats on display! Did I mention grown men wear pedal pushers [ie Capris pants!] or did I tell you the road signs with a big fucking H on them mark public transportation stops, not hospitals? OH SHIT THEY DON’T PUT EGGS IN THE FRIDGE! IT’S CRAZY LIVING OVERSEAS YOU GUYS!
See how annoying that is? Let me go on and tell you ways in which visiting your local Subway sub shop is exactly the same as visiting one in the U.S.
I walk in and right away know I’m not welcome. You know that look that people who make minimum wage give you when they don’t want you there? They might as well just fucking yell, “Jesus Christ go make your own food motherfuckers!”
As I approach the counter, the young woman prepares to make my sandwich by lifting her visor up just long enough to push back her greasy hair and then grabs the oh-so-important bread-splitting knife off the familiar white cutting board behind the counter.
“Can I help you?”
“Yes, I’d like a 6″ veggies and cheese on wheat, extra cheese please.”
“You know that will …”
“Yes I’m familiar with the concept of things costing money. I called my husband and we decided we would go crazy and invest in extra cheese today.”
“Heh. Ok then.”
I’m no Jerry Seinfeld - I totally didn’t have the nerve to ask her to put those little gloves on. In my mind I started going over things I know for sure that I’ve ingested that are more disgusting than sandwiches topped with hair sweat.
She took two slices of cheese and put them on the bread, then took one more slice and laid it across the two she previously assembled. I’m no stranger to extra cheese, so I felt it necessary to inform her that typically, when a person pays fifty cents for extra cheese, said person gets four slices: two on each side.
Don’t laugh: I’m supposed to be the fucking sandwich artist here, not Shitface McGee and her Pimple Popping Crew back there.
She groaned and agreed to my cheese demands, then asked what else I wanted on the sub. I watched her purposefully try as hard as she could to put the smallest amount of vegetables on my sandwich with awe. What does Sally Suckass stand to gain by shortchanging me on my toppings? I need more than a sprinkle of lettuce. I demand more than two fucking pickle slices, and Lord Help Us All two olives just does not cut it. As she attempted each topping, I corrected her calmly. When she got to the tomatoes, I nearly lost my shit.
“Excuse me, but would you mind putting two slices of tomato on the sandwich?”
“Ma’am these are rather large slices,” she held a slice of tomato up in the air to demonstrate her point. “Are you sure you want more than one?”
“Uh, I don’t stutter.”
“Whatever you say, ma’am.”
“Goddamn right whatever I say. I’m the fucking sandwich artist.”
“Uh, ok.”
This little adventure in getting what you pay for was topped off by me totally blowing her fucking mind. I like oil and vinegar on my subs instead of mayo or mustard. That’s just me, I can’t help it. I like a LOT of fucking oil and vinegar, too. So much so, it freaks people out all the time, but whatever.
“Mustard? Mayo?”
“Oil and vinegar please. I’ll tell you when - I like a lot.”
“I figured.”
“Uh huh.”
” … ”
“Keep going.”
” … ”
“Almost there.”
“Ma’am I’m going to have to stop you there.”
“WHAT?”
“That’s enough ma’am. That’s quite enough oil and vinegar.”
“You’re shitting me.”
“You can take it home and add more if you want, but I’m not comfortable with this anymore.”
“Not comfortable? It’s oil and vinegar and I’m on the other side of a large plexiglass wall. What harm could possibly come from you following my instructions?”
“Ma’am, please.”
She urged me to stop like a comic urges a heckler to stop hollering out “SUCK HER TIT” in the middle of his act about his girlfriend.
“Fine. FINE. I guess we learned who the real sandwich artist is here today.”
4 Comments