You want something real

I’m sick to death.

I’m sick of working hard, being nice, reaching out to people, looking out for people and trying to do what’s right. I’m sick of women. I’m sick of competing, arguing, talking, writing, looking at them.

In life and in blogging, there is this rumor about friendship and bonding. I’ve seen a bit of it. I have a few friends who read this that have never met me, but still seem to care. I don’t want to undermind that, I really don’t. There are some e-friends I have that check in on me more than family members or ‘real life’ friends, and that means a lot. But overall, I really can’t see where all this imagined bonding is taking place, because it’s not with me.

We bicker, we’re bitchy and we’re competetive. We shit out our feelings online or to each other and discard what everyone else has to say. We think only of ourselves, and we don’t apologize for it. We want attention, then whine when it’s not the right kind. We stab each other in the back.

Women are not kind to each other. We work hard, we raise our kids, we fight the good fight, and when the day is over, we sit down to think about us. There’s nothing wrong with that. However, not one of us, sitting comfortably at home behind a computer screen, is any better or worse than anyone else. You have a popular blog? Good for you. You’re beautiful? Congratulations. Your kid is a genius? Yay. None of that fucking matters if you don’t have the common decency to realize that you’re not the only person on the fucking planet, and for the love of God, someone else might have something to say.

I’ve noticed that the people who act shitty like this in real life don’t do it in any way dissimilar to those who do it online. It’s strange, really, because I thought for a long time that we were all in this together. In life and in parenting, in the web-world and the physical. More and more I see that’s not the case.

I’ve been told I’m not a good friend because of my husband’s job. I’ve been told I’m not a good person because I have intervened in situations that gave me nightmares. I’ve been disregarded as a person with a valid opinion because of my voter registration card. I’ve listened to people make fun of my child, not thinking I could hear, because he has a speech delay. I’ve been stabbed in the back by people I opened my home to, people who called me their friend. So when I get online to write and look for support and understanding and am met with selfishness and disdain, I tend to get a little pissy. I deal with enough selfishness and disdain in my actual day to day life — I don’t have time for it online.

Do me a favor: don’t call yourself my friend if all you have to talk about is you. Don’t call me at all if you can’t even remember that I’ve been fucking depressed about failing to conceive. Don’t contact me just to ask me a fucking favor because guess what? I’m worried about me right now, and that is the fucking priority.

And if you have an issue with me, do me a favor and just fucking say so instead of talking to me like I’m a fucking child.

well i can’t say as i’m a *friend*…

however, i look to you for inspiration almost daily… i think you are inspiring and rich and full of talent
an incredible mom.. you knock my socks off with just about everything you do…. it hurts not to be heard by friends.. and its draining to have friends who are so focused on them.. they can’t see you for real

i’m sorry you are having trouble conceiving … its something i never experienced…i have known pain with birth of a different sort… pain is pain tho and depression is just that…

i am so sorry you are feeling both… yes.. women can be horrible yicky people .. i would even include myself in that (just a little tho) cause i tend to only stick to people who can love me beyond their own stuff and beyond mine as well… i am totally self focused on my journal and post pics of myself… to remind myself when i need reminding… its funny… i don’t need the applause and i’ve been bitchslapped for doing so as well… i don’t really give a fuck… cause they’re for me to remember in my journal… and the peeps who wanna be fucktards…well that’s on them… i know i’m rambling.. HOLY SHIT SORRY…

i just wanted to say i’ll say a prayer for you.. and send you big white fertile light… and wishes that a new baby may come to pass soon… and tell you once again.. that i think you are pure inspiration… you muse me all the time

I can loan you my flame thrower!

oh and another thing

everytime i see an image that you have taken of dash… i see pure love
love of the explosive REAL sort

you inspire me to be a better mom too

I think I told you this once before…you have inspired me and opened my mind in a lot of ways, just in your blog - from politics to maybe (GASP) having my own kids someday.

I’m sorry for the selfishness and disdain you’re dealing with. Just remember that for every person you feel is looking down on you, there’s another one looking up.

(i am aware of the schlockiness of this comment)

Quit giving her shit, people…Don’t make me come over there

There is this illusion of friendship that comes mostly when people see that they can get something more out of the relationship then they put into it. It ends up with a few people within a circle of friends feeling as if they are used and really have no one to depend on when things go wrong for them. Someone always ends up being the one everyone calls when they need something and that person ends up with no one to do the same for them. Its a role I end up in alot. Far too many takers and its rare that you end up with two givers that are friends. Every once in a great while you will end up with that one friend that you can both depend on each other. Thats when you get the superspecial best friend that you call at 3 in the morning even though they now live on the other side of the country and they pick up the phone and are happy to hear from you.

I love you, Paige, and Mike and Dash…but you know that, I hope.

Robin

I have no problem using certain statements on voter registration cards as deal breakers. I have no problem with this at all.

I just don’t do mass murder, I’m sorry. Some folks say that civilians in “democracies” like the US and the UK are proper military targets because they choose to elect the folks that are waging world war for no reason, thus making voters the only real military targets around.

I myself am a civilain and now I’m a target because of certain kinds of voters, not because of any single thing that I’ve done myself. That’s hard to deal with.

I’m with you on the narcissism, and I wish you protection from the bullshit and scorn offered by others. I like your blog and your writing more than most people’s because there’s substance to it, and I don’t think you’re the kind of person who would complain about superfical pain like having a bad time at a dance club. By the time you’re complaining about social interactions I know there must be something crucial in there to wonder about.

Just so you know. Hang in there, bad shit always passes someday. Women can be catty creatures but give the world to men and look what they do with it?

Unable to reproduce,
Dave

I sit here puzzled, wondering if it’s me you are talking about. Me being a lame e-friend, but not really being a real friend… and I’m realizing that that is exactly what you are trying to say, and I am in that exact vague group of stupid harpy women. I’m so selfishly busy trying to find myself in what you wrote, that I lose you. For this I apologize, and for saying me and I, like 50 million times in response to your oh-so excellent and raw and honest piece, I apologize too. I am sorry about your struggles to concieve, and I am sorry for all the ignorant assumptions with which you deal (especially those about your son, they are sickening).

The more I deal with people (tangible and pixelized), the more I’m forced into the most uncomfortable place of having to be direct about how I wish to be treated. There is no longer a socially implied standard of selflessness, conduct and understanding, Even online, I have to beg and police the responses which is lame and usually ends up exposing all of my hidden hypersensitivies to the inconsiderate “I’m just BRUTALLY honest” shits out there.

It’s terrifying to think that I am bending backwards all the time, and everyone else (who objectively isn’t doing crap to be considerate) feels like they are bending over backward in the same ways for me because I am so fucking annoying. I just want to chill out, and cuddle my boyfriend and laugh and eat good foods and wear mascara. I know you want very different things, but I guess I mean to say that I specifically understand the desire, despite the limits of the “bond” we do/don’t have. (Don’t underestimate the power of your words to grab in ways I know mine can’t!)

I don’t know how anything works. Or why life is. How we got here, if our tiny bits of consciousness survive the death of our moving bits of fat and electricity. It’s both overwhelmingly depressing and overwhelmingly precious. Frightening, frustrating, euphoric… but reading what you say, even as I scramble looking for my name, is always important to me. And comes free of Queer as Folk is love colorbars.

I know this doesn’t help you. It’s helped me, though.

PS: I think Dave sucks for starting his comment being contrary to a minor point, ignoring your thesis almost entirely.

I’m sorry people are putting you through this - I wanted to say that I read and I think about what you’re saying - and I wish there was something that could be done.
I’ve grown to admire your writing, and advise others to pop over and read, but I know I’m only one voice in many.
Worrying about yourself is JUST FINE. I’ll still read, and think, and tell others what a wonderful writer you are.

A fan

Yeah, I was pretty drunk yesterday by the time I got to the web, the inner zealot was coming out.

Kristen, I suck for entirely different reasons than you mention but I thank you for the tip. Trying to stay on point, I don’t want to keep talking about myself, except to say that I do care what happens to Miss Domestic and hope she’s alright.

just wanted to say i think you’re swell.

that’s it.

xo.

hey..finally got a free min.;) I hope you feel better soon..I have been a crappy friend also..I have been so preoccupied with me that I haven’t thought to call and ask about you.. You have been great and don’t think that I don’t think about how you are doing;)
ps hugs are on the way in the near future

I step into your world every time I read what you have written and leave almost nothing compaired to what I gain: a smile at Dash’s cuteness, a nod of understanding at parental and life frustrations, a tear for your pain and grief over trying to get pregnant…you never see these things, so you don’t know how much your writing affects me. I think about something you’ve written, how it fits what is happening in my day. You are a beautiful writer and a strong, brave woman. If I have been selfish in any of my replies, or lack of replies, to you, I’m deeply sorry.

i’m sorry people are such ASSES. for some reason, people think they can be anonymously mean and idiotic online and then dash off with no repercussions. i guess the truth is, like you said, if they’re the type to do it online, they probably do it in real life. shit on people (or take them for granted, be selfish, etc.) then leave.

glad you’re feeling better. guess we all get those days!

people suck and thats a fact. i’ve had massive hospitalizing panic attacks just because i got so worked up about how people can be so stupid and degrading. its not worth your anguish, because if it gets the best of you, then they win. its true that you really only have yourself in this world, and when that gets pushed to the limits…
i dont know. it seems hopeless.
im pretty positive you are a good person, and im positive you care about those close to you. i only know you through your photographs, but its enough to get a handle on you. when dumbasses get you down, contact me. i live on the bottom as it is. we can romp through the bullshit together.

You seem to have a pattern of taking your daily frustrations out on your “online friends” and periodically making posts like this.

You’ve been pulling this attention-whoring crap since you first appeared on the Livejournal scene — always with same results: everyone commenting and telling you how sorry they feel for you and that you’re a good writer and a good mom and anyone who doesn’t see your goodness is a bitch.

Nobody gives a shit. They just like to say they do, but they really don’t.

Corinne,
The fact that nobody gives a shit is exactly my point.

The fact that I vent about my fucking life is exactly the point of this blog.

The fact that you are being a stupid twat only proves my point further.

The fact that you claim I’m “taking things out” on my online friends is a testament to your reading comprehension, however meager it may be.

Hey Corrine, let’s play a little game, called “In Reality”

In reality, didn’t Paige’s post seem a little pointed? As in toward specific individuals with specific issues at specific times? As in this is not meant for some misinformed twatsicle to read and decipher a meaning unto herself? It isn’t impressionist art bitch it’s a blog. Your interpretation of the selected works means absolutely dick.

In reality, This is a window into her life. you see what she wants you to see. and if its venting about shit thats pissing her off in her life, and that pisses you off, look away. you seem to be a little more upset about someone paying attention to her moreso than yourself anyway. want attention? get hit by a cement truck. on the highway. if you stop enough traffic, you might make the 5′o clock news.

In reality, doesn’t everyone on LJ attention whore it up? If not your thoughts, and strife, and eating disorders would be in some comfortably bound book in a drawer maintained in an easy and private fashion. But no. We CSS code our asses off, hot link, and spell check these supposed works of self expression that come across in a way that other people are stepping over one an other to see what’s going on in your life. That’s not subject for accusation, it’s the status quo for anyone who has an email address that ends in @livejournal.com.

In reality, anyone who doesn’t see her goodness is a bitch. I’ve seen the goodness. I’m working on the tits.

In reality, if you didn’t give a shit, why would you waste time responding? I saw two homeless people fucking in a parking lot last night. Know what I did? I kept walking. Because I didn’t give a shit. The people who “were outraged enough to say something said it while standing still. Staring. With popcorn, and taking mental video. Involvement in any way means giving a shit. You’ve just contributed.

This concludes our little game. I would hope that in the future were you to want to play another game, that it would be something more finite like “what does a shotgun blast taste like?” or “lets find an artery!”

Good day.

but..but Shonee, thing is I know Paige. More than I even care to. That, my meddling friend, is the reality that should shut you up once and for all.

Speak for yourself, but to answer your question, no, not everyone on livejournal is an attention whore. That’s another hard reality that might be hard for you to swallow.

Here is another reality: You really did not see two homeless people fucking in a parking lot last night. Judging from your writing style, you must be prone to histrionic fits and you thought you’d squeeze in this tale about a homeless couple fucking in some parking lot for effect. Sorry, it didn’t work. Try again.

Oh, and Paige– I don’t need to read your “shit” to comprehend your point. Like I said, you have a rather nasty pattern consistent with your tomfoolery.

Night-night.

No, you don’t know me. Tomfoolery? Are you for real?

I wrote about something that happened in my real life that I see happening online too between women. You’re just proving my point each time you reply. There’s no ‘tomfoolery’ or games, it’s just me being honest. If it bugs you that much, go somewhere else.

tsk tsk.. corrine. don’t you know not only is it tacky to post anonymously but even more so, using a made up name claiming you *KNOW* a person. If you know her so well, and think so poorly of her then be honest with yourself and tell her who you are.

In this case, all i have to say is (((yawn))) ‘oh dear.. someone on the INTERNET doesn’t like me.’

now– I will continue to point out your stupidity. Isn’t your comment almost EXACTLY what paige was referring to in her blog? What’s the matter, some rating community turned you down after you spent hours getting your butter face at that perfect angle so the contrast & light could hide the ugly? Someone on myspace didn’t ‘add you back?’

Funny thing is I KNOW paige in real life (so does shonee) so I think how we feel about her outweighs her feelings for a piece on internet trash such as yourself. Why waste minutes of your precious life replying TWICE to someone you claim you can’t ’stand?’

I smell a stalker…

and just to let you know, i saw 4 homeless people (2 couples each) fucking on my way to work. I even took pictures, if you want to see.

ciao.

If Corrine sounds anonymous to you, then that is your problem. Do you have a learning disability? Do you have what it takes to analyze simple letters arranged to form first names?

Do you use fake names? Is that why you assume everyone else is devious like you?

Oh, yawn… when or where did I say I dislike Paige? Am I mistaken or did she not state: “if you have an issue with me, do me a favor and just fucking say so instead of talking to me like I’m a fucking child” in her post?

I treated her with respect. Just because I didn’t heap praise on her don’t mean I ain’t got the luv, hon. I think you must have an inferiority complex.

Speaking of issues, I do have one. Please lose the Ads by Google and Amazon. It’s tacky. What’s the problem? Can’t afford to pay your hosting? LOL.

Hmmm.

I can’t make the word “cuntard” when I rearrange the letters of “corrine.”

I think Corrine botched her game. Unless her name is Erin Roc.