Puppies

I spoke to my mom last night for the first time since I realized what my body was doing to me last week. Last Monday, I was exhausted and in tears, and last night I was in a much better place. Still, my mind is conflicted on the entire “poof, no baby” situation.

I was barely pregnant, but I still consider it a loss. We’ve been trying for a year, and coming that close was devastating. Yet, I’m not sure if it’s even fair to call it a loss - I was barely pregnant. Like, a few weeks. Am I selfish to be so upset? Am I over-reacting when I get upset that everyone back home seemed to preoccupied with their own thing to really let me lean on them? Is it reasonable to still be thinking about it this much, even a week later?

These are the things I couldn’t erase from my mind last night, and found still lingering today. Not much else has really seemed important to me, and those things that have fixated themselves in my mind for more than a few minutes have been confusing and difficult to ponder. I can’t focus. Last night, throwing myself into Photoshop and burning a few CDs helped me think about something else, but I worry about what I will do tonight.

Then I go right back to wondering if I’m going crazy for feeling so attached to something that never really had a chance. I didn’t even know it was there until I lost it. In this respect, I have truly been in want: I have desired and lacked all at once, and I have known what it means to be without that object of your desire that constantly eludes you.

For several days I just wanted someone to talk to about it. Now I am not sure I want to ever talk about it again. Of course I totally screw myself by being absolutely incapable of not writing about it, but writing is my form of free therapy when my husband and friend aren’t around. Logging on and making a joke about poop seems inappropriate. Looking at the purse post makes me sad because that Vera Bradley bag was a great diaper bag, and last Sunday I believed it would get used again - maybe this time for a girl.

There I go again. Wallowing. I will snap out of this. I’ve just realized it’s not fair to me or anyone else, but I have to stop and try to get positive. For now, that will mean occupying myself with Daschel and little side projects when he’s unavailable to me.

My mom mentioned that a friend of hers is getting rid of a litter of puppies. There are a few left, but one sticks out. One of them is in need of a mom. One of them might be getting a visit from a girl named Paige very soon.

Yes, I am crazy enough to fly home just to get a puppy.

I don’t know what it’s like to deal with infertility, but I did have a miscarriage before my sons were born…

I was having erratic periods, but having them no less, until one month it didn’t show up. We had been trying to have a baby so my first thought was, “Am I pregnant?” I took a test and sure enough I was. I went to see the OB-GYN. She said it looked as though I was 4 months pregnant. I said that can’t be and she listened for a heart beat…nothing. Just to be on the safe side she gave me an ultrasound. I was four months pregnant, but the baby wasn’t viable. It had died a few weeks before I even found out I was pregnant. I had a D&C to remove the baby. It was really sad and people were not understanding at all. I got a lot of, “It was meant to be” and “That’s what God wanted” comments. It was hell.

…So even though I only knew for a brief time that I was pregnant, it was still a loss and I still think about it to this day. And this happened over 5 years ago. I’m so sorry for your loss.

My situation was different, but I do know what you mean about letting go. Somedays it was all I could think about, and then some I didn’t think about it, but then I felt really bad for that, too.

I wish there was an easy solution or an on/off buttom for the wallowing. I’m so sorry about your loss, hopefully things will heal soon.

I just saw this. I know it’s lame and unhelpful, but all I can say is, I’m sorry this happened to you.

Yes, Paige, I still wonder about the baby that was not to be 23 years ago….perhaps it was MY girl.

Robin

You are so not selfish to be hurt by your loss. I am so very sorry. I wish I could hug you and give you comfort food.

This is my first time visiting your blog but I just wanted to say that your entry really touched me. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. *hugs*

You’re not selfish & you’re not overreacting. I’ve had 2 miscarriages in the past & it just really really sucks. And honestly the only thing that helped was time. which i know is a cliche, but it’s true. what you’re feeling is so normal & i’m so sorry this happened. It just plain sucks.