Love & Marriage

Some people say marriage is about patience. They’re liars. If marriage was as easy as patience, a lot more people would stay married. It’s really not hard to be patient. What’s hard is learning how to forgive. So we all know that marriage and long-term relationships are more than patience, more than understanding, more than tequila-induced stupors and accidentally swapped undergarments. Naturally we know it’s more than that, but what exactly is it about?

For starters, love is about defeat. If you can’t admit when you are defeated, you have no business being married. Even the most flawless partner (I’m being generous here for the egotistical, you see) is defeated now and again, and being able to admit it is mandatory for a relationship to survive. I can admit when I’m defeated in an argument, or if we decide to arm-wrestle to decide whether or not we’re having sex. It takes a lot, but I can do it. One time, he bet me I couldn’t hang on to a twenty dollar bill for a week without spending it. He checked in on it, every day, saying, “I bet you could do a lot with that money, and there it is, useless as a bag of rocks in your wallet.” Later that afternoon, I went to the bakery and purchased several delicious treats. The twenty lasted 48 hours, and I distinctly remember nodding furiously in agreement with him over my compulsory spending while enjoying my baked goods. See Internet? I’m even humble about my defeat, and my husband is the same way. Every time I get on my knees after losing a bet, I remind him of how humble and giving I am.

Another important aspect of marriage is sacrifice. One important sacrifice I’ve made is sex with other men and women. One important sacrifice he’s made for me is his entire sense of style. He lets me dress him like a Ken doll and doesn’t complain at all. Sure, it took me throwing all his old clothes behind the dryer, but he never once looked back there. I like to think it’s because he was ready to move on. He likes to think that he made the decision to stop wearing clothes that simply advertise shoe companies and bands himself. It’s a win-win.

Naturally no marriage is complete without begging. If you want a marriage to last, you have to learn to beg. There are some thing you just won’t get without it. Sure, when you first got together all your absurd and outrageous fantasies were a given, and surprising her with flowers (ask your girlfriend: I bet she’s never been “surprised” by flowers. We always know when they’re coming based on how bad you fucked up) got you fluttering eyelashes and big doe-eyed “anything for you’s”. Look three years down the road, and you’ll see games of rock, paper scissors deciding your sexual fate and sloppy quickies in between quarters as you play XBox. Romantic, huh? That’s marriage. Don’t be afraid to beg, you never know what she’ll agree to.

Which brings us to letting them think they won. Just as you tell your child that they won Monopoly with Baltic and a couple of ten dollar bills, you have to let your loved one think they win at the game of marriage now and then. Letting go of the ego and just saying, “You’re right” is fine, as long as you cross your fingers. Let them win, no skin off your back. When they’re proven wrong at a later date, they’ll just respect you more.

Not to say that you should lie to your partner, to be certain. Honesty is mandatory for any successful relationship. Yes, your belly button has some green stuff in it. Yes, those pants do make you look fat (I for one really want to know, I’m not just asking. Either my ass is paying its own taxes or its not). No, keeping your socks on does not ‘drive me crazy’ in the way that you think it does. Yes, I can smell your fart. Learning to be honest, and to accept the realities of married life and co-habitation is probably the most important thing for couples. During the first year of togetherness, you probably wondered if you were a bad partner for quickly pleasuring yourself to help relax you for sleep while your partner snored next to you, but now you’re able to say “Guess who made an appearance last night?” and have a serious conversation about whether or not Penelope Cruz’s accent would spoil sex with her.

FYI, my husband and I agreed that we’d make it a bondage thing and ask her if we could duct tape her mouth shut.

excellent! i couldn’t agree more.

what??? it’s that accent of hers that makes her sensual and appealing. an american (not British!) accent — especially the southern hick variety — is the most boring of all.

And what is the difference between the southern accent and the “southern hick” accent?

I think she sounds like a seal when she talks. If that’s what turns you on, go for it.

I’ve never heard her speak. I take it that’s a good thing.

But this post is The Awesome.

Man, are you on a roll or what? Hilarious stuff! Keep it up!

so much of that resonates with my relationship. well done. most of it is unfortunate, but true.

You’re an idiot. I said I don’t care for HER accent, I didn’t say anything about accents in general. Salma Hayek’s accent is beautiful, as is Paz Vega’s. I just don’t care for Penelope’s.

I should say, the begging part is unfortunate. The rest is a reality and perfectly fine. : )

wow! that klooney character is quite a douche, huh paige?!? looks like you deleted his/her ridiculously ignorant comments (which is good, i guess), but i just wanted to say that i agree with you. i LOATHE her accent. there are lots of individuals who have mondo annoying accents; it doesn’t matter what part of the world they are from. they are either nice to listen to, or not. someone i can’t stand listening to is cindy lauper…and she’s from NY!

and i LOVE how he said you “lack sophistication to appreciate different cultures”, but then goes on to call people from mississippi, texas, louisiana, alabama “loud white trash”.

because as we ALL KNOW, southern states don’t house a sophisticated, cultured, educated, well-read, well-spoken, creative, wonderful person between the lot of them! NO COOL PEOPLE IN THE SOUTH! DATS DA TROOF!

dur.

*eyeroll*

sorry you have to deal with trolls like klooney, paige.

HoneyBunny:

Yep, and unfortunately this wasn’t his first appearance here, so buh bye, Klooney. There’s no reason people who subscribe to comments here should have to read that bullshit.

You’re right though, it’s really entertaining to hear someone with such obvious prejudice try to obliquely connect my distaste for someone’s accent and voice with some sort of “unsophistication”.

And of course since I call Texas home, I’m a backwoods hick who can’t find her own asshole. I wonder if he even realizes I’m probably more worldly than he is, simply because I’ve actually lived abroad and maintain friendships with people from all over the world.

Not that it’s worth explaining.

I could totally demonstrate the difference between Southern cultured accent and Southern hick accent, if I were speaking to you. Perhaps at Blogher this year, if I get to go? There is most definitely a difference, and Alex and I can turn it on and off at will, for comedic effect. For hick, think Jeff Foxworthy. Think Nascar fan. For cultured, think Julia Sugarbaker. Think Billy Graham or to a lesser extent Jimmy Carter. We are LOVING listening to our 3-year-old develop her very own drawl, and it is just beautiful. Her favorite thing lately is letting us know how things make her “sah-ay-ud.” That’s “sad.” Never say anything in one syllable you could say in three!

And also liars? These people who say the years of marriage just “fly by.” Either that, or they’re gone a lot. We just had our 5-year anniversary, and agree that it feels like 10!

paige, you should block klooney’s IP. what an ignornamus!

and while you’re at it, you can check where HE lives by his IP. something tells me he hasn’t left the US of A once in his bitter, shallow, pathetic little life.

Penelope Cruz’s voice would totally ruin sex. But then again I think her face would too. Perhaps a bag over her head along with the duct tape?

btw: klooney invaded my blog, too.

Ohmigod - are you married to my husband too…? Love your stuff - many thanks

AMEN SISTER