50 Worst Things to Happen to Music

Blender recently collected a list of the “50 Worst Things to Happen to Music”, and I checked it out, being the geek that I am. Some of it seems pretty spot on, (”Despite what Jim Morrison seemed to believe, disturbed Freudian ramblings you howl while waving your dick around onstage are also, alas, not poetry.”), but I’m also kind of uptight about stuff like this, so I felt the need to make some corrections.

They cover all the sensitive topics (”We Hate A.I.D.S.” and “Suicide = Sad”), and make fun of most of the right people, but I’m not prepared to leave well enough alone.

#50: Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band
They’re half-right. Sure, Lonely Hearts Club spawned thousands of obnoxious concept albums, and sure, “When I’m Sixty Four” has appeared in enough commercials and romantic comedies to inspire a Jonestown-inspired resignation on the part of Beatles fans, but come on. It’s Sgt Pepper! So harsh! Just sit back and enjoy George goddamnit.

#47: Slash Quitting Guns n Roses
No, Use Your Illusion is the GNR event that ruined music.

#28: Disappearance of Indie Record Stores
Uh, I’m not sure how that’s bad for music, actually. Losing our record stores is music’s fault, not something that “happened” to music. Radio did that, advertisers did that, people who buy Limp Bizkit albums did that. People who love music enough to find a mom and pop record store will continue to search out those places, no matter what happens on the radio. I don’t like the implication that record stores just vanish and oh boo hoo the music scene suffers. Well duh, Blender.

#11: “You Really Have to See Them Live”
“If your studio albums feel limp compared with your live show, don’t put them out.” Since when is it not the case that watching your favorite band perform their shit live isn’t new, oftentimes better and more exciting? What the fuck?

#9: Whitey
In typical 20-something self-loathing fashion, the top ten is broken wide open with TWO paragraphs about how much white people suck. Hey, I hate N’Sync and Michael Bolton just as much as the next person, but come on. Seriously? Dissing Pat Boone? Harsh.

#6: Madonna’s British Accent
#6? Here I was thinking there wasn’t much left of her that had anything to do with music.

#1: Kids Today

Back in our day, we didn’t have any of yer fancy iPods and ringtones and downloads. We didn’t have the luxury and convenience of your scrotum-rings and your World Wide Web logs. When we wanted to steal the new URIAH HEEP album, we couldn’t just troll the Internet for it, we had to do it the old-fashioned way — by hiking to the store (uphill, both ways) and shoving 12″ of vinyl under our sweaters (which we had to knit ourselves). That’s why you sniveling whipper-snappers don’t appreciate the real value of music. Or Uriah Heep. Now get the hell off our lawn!

Double-whammy! Kids suck, and they don’t have to work as hard as you to steal their music! Though there is something to be said for appreciating music and caring about it longer than it takes to download an mp3, it’s hardly the kids’ fault that this is the case. Am I right or am I right?

50 Worst Things in Music: Debunked

Blender recently highlighted the 50 worst things to happen to music… in their opinion. Some should be in the list, others should not. My good friend Paige debunks some of the crap….

I personally enjoy waving my dick onstage while speaking with a fake British accent. And yes, I call that “poetry,” especially when I pretend that it is my dick doing the talking.

bahaha, sarcastic journalist made me spit my water out! and, of course, you’re right. and speaking of GnR, was axl rose not the ugliest, white-trashiest looking motherfucker to ever wear football pants and do a snake dance and still get to date a supermodel?? heh. i’ve been watching too much VH1 classic.

I think kids today are more into collecting music than listening music. You’re more likely to hear “I have 3,600 MP3s!” than you are “You need to check out this band.”

This comment system still freaks me out. I keep thinking someone has taken over my computer when the screen starts moving after I hit Submit.

Chag - In that respect they’re right. It’s all about how much your iPod can hold, not what’s on it.

man, i’ve been out of the loop with your blog, paige. it was that stupid job! well, i quit it, so now i can spend more time doing stuff i love…like reading your blog.

and… you’re right.

Some of it seems pretty spot on, (”Despite what Jim Morrison seemed to believe, disturbed Freudian ramblings you howl while waving your dick around onstage are also, alas, not poetry.”)

They forgot to CC Perry Farrell. I saw them when I was about 6 months pregnant; at the time I was thankful for the ramblings so I could pee and not miss any music. But the rest of the time? Annoying.