Racism Still Exists

I love the news. Even as the end of the world sets in, we can rely on Yahoo News to keep us up to date on matters of varying degrees of obviousness daily. But then again, we’re just dumb Americans, we need things spelled out for us. In what must be a very busy newsroom, Yahoo news aggregators compile other stories of note:

“Sources Confirm: Santa is Just a Story Parents Use to Threaten Their Children 364 Days a Year”
“New Study Reveals Most Cars Run on Gasoline”
“World News: There is Weather All Over the Globe, But Geographical Positions Determine Its Specifics”
“Anderson Cooper is a Huge Douchebag”

There we go, that’s sufficiently dumbed down - and just in case I don’t have the patience to actually listen to the 24 hour news channel, the attention span necessary to follow the ticker at the bottom of the screen, or the mental capacity to understand the gravity of the images I’m being bombarded with, I can rely on CNN’s “Danger Font” to give me a subtle message of fear and confusion.

Oh well, at least some forms of obviousness are more light-hearted.

“Anderson Cooper is a Huge Douchebag”

Oh, really? Well, what about his dreamy eyes and sincere half-nods? What about his eyebrows, knitted in empathy as you talk? What about his prematurely gray hair, as if to say “yes, I’ve seen the world…oh god, too clearly at times”?

Bet you didn’t think about those things, huh?

It’s like he’s making sweet love to you, only instead of a penis he has emotionally manipulative political half-truths.

Which is so fucking hot, as if I have to tell you.

You pretty much nailed it.

As you might also imagine, I was on cloud fucking nine when Anderson Cooper was on Oprah. It’s like double heaven watching the two of them try to one up each other with emotionally manipulative tactics for a hour. Incredible.

To be fair, it is news that this prep school, born-on-third-base-thinking-he-hit-a-triple nimrod acknowledged the presence of racism in America. If the headline read “racism still exists,” that would be sufficiently un-newsworthy to group with Anderson Cooper’s being a smarmy choadwipe.